my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
