Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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