I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
