Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
