Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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