If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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