My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize