if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
