Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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