went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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