Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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