grandma shit on top of the toilet
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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