My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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