im gay
i know
yea but for you.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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