Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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