dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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