Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
