There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
