wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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