Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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