I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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