I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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