your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
