The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
