I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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