Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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