matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I think my fart just growled at me.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
