if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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