God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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