your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
