Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
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You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
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I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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