good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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