all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
