My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
