So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
