Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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