Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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