You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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