And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
