Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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