If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
