I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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