There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
