butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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