my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
