I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
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