If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
