He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
