i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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