some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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