i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
