I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
