census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
