Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
