When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
