That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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