i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
