hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
