Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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