8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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